Just a Note.
I want to treat this blog like a journal. I want to show all the aspects of the different feelings and things you go through when faced with something that is life changing.
This means that I will share my thoughts when I'm being selfish, when I feel hopeless, and maybe times of frustration as well. But also I want to share the times when I've felt so much hope, so much love, and so much joy.
I don't want one to read one of my blog posts and think I am making a mistake with what I am writing. After awhile I want it to paint an accurate picture of the up and down days and fall mainly back onto Christ, because he is what ultimately is holding me together.
Tuesday, June 26, 2012
I don’t know what it’s like to live pain free anymore. I don’t know what it’s like to be able to work without my body screaming at me with every move I make. After I persevere through the job I’m doing, my muscles shake for days from weakness and my joints continue to have shooting pain. I tried to do some gardening for my family yesterday, and with every shovel full of dirt I moved I wanted to cry out because of how much my hands killed. It felt like every bone in my fingers were breaking or already broken and the pieces of bone were going to pierce through my hand at any moment. I kept working however, through the tears and out of stubbornness and dedication. I got the job done thankfully, but now for the last day and a half, I’m paying for it. I don’t want to get out of bed. Or off the couch. Or get up to get some water. But I make myself, ofcourse. At dinner my stomach, reacting to all the work, felt so sick and rejected strongly anything that I put in my mouth. I ate it anyway, because I’ve learned that listening to it only leads to more problems. I’ve learned that listening to the warning signs my body puts out at all times can be ignored, but it all comes back to hit me as soon as I sit down for some rest. I want to be able to serve my family, to help work at my church, to be able to meet with friends and just have some fun together, but it seems so incredibly hard and every muscle in my body is so unwilling. The only thing I know how to do is to keep going, and I hope that it won’t kill me in the long run to keep pushing on.
“With man this is impossible, but not with God; all things are possible with God.” Mark 10:27.
Sunday, June 17, 2012
So, I haven’t written in awhile.
I think it’s because for a long time, I didn’t know what to write. I didn’t know what I was supposed to write. And I definitely wasn’t sure how to say it right.
The last few months for me have been kind of a blur. Nothing drastic has happened, and yet a million little things have seemed to occur, and they add up to a lot when I stop and think about it. I’ve had a problem with putting them altogether and clearing my mind. I haven’t been able to think, or understand my life recently. It may be partly my fault, for purposely avoiding the constantly pounding questions. I used the end of school and studying for finals as an excuse to ignore the other problems slowly pushing their way into my world. And yet, when I finally have the courage to face these problems, I can’t come up with them, I can’t point them out or put my finger on exactly what’s happened. It’s almost like a game I play with myself.
When people ask me how I’m doing or for an update on my health, I’m lost at what to say. If they wanted the truth it would take hours, possibly days to try to get across all that’s been going on. Even if we took the time to do this, I doubt they would understand most of it anyway. So, in order to avoid both of these issues, I tell them I’m doing well. That seems to satisfy them, and gives me a chance to change the subject.
There are moments however when I’m laying on my bed at night, or have found myself alone at some point in the day, where I do begin looking and inspecting the different areas of my life, and I get overwhelmed. More often than not I end up in tears just trying and longing to understand. A problem I also am trying to get around is dealing with the regular day to day drama the normal teenage life throws at you. Whether I have anything to do with it, it’s still there, and it still seems to affect me. All the pressure facing a young girl has added to the confusion, and it all seems just a huge fat mess.
Just a note, I am not writing this because I have a solution; more because I don’t have a solution.
I still feel new to the whole blog thing, but I think I’m beginning to get an idea of how it can be used to benefit yourself and others if they are willing to listen.