I’ve felt really lost lately. It seems this year, especially these last few weeks, have proven more difficult than any I can remember in the past. The hardest part has been pushing through it all. Even though I have many different things falling apart in my life right now, I’m still expected to keep going and moving forward. I guess out of anyone around me it is I who expects the most. School, and many other areas, has begun to layer one thing on top of another, and as I look towards the days and weeks in front of me they seem impossible. The hardest part though is knowing that if I push through harder, I will only feel the consequences of it later, making the days after even more difficult than the ones I am in now. So to me it seems pointless to keep going, if I’m only going to make things worse. I guess what I mean is that, to be more specific, one example is the pain I’m feeling today is only going to increase if I get up and go through school and the hours of homework that will follow. If I stay home and rest, I’m only going to have the school work pile up more and more which will come back to hit me later, and will eventually cause me to feel worse as I try to catch up with everything. So, for the last couple days I’ve wondered, why would I keep going? What is there for me? If this life continues on the way it has been, I can only see my health failing more, and everyday tasks becoming more and more difficult.
Another thought also came into my head when I was thinking about all of this. I began to wonder, what do I take joy in? Really. What makes me happy? If it’s just the good days, when life is comfortable and easy, and giving me things, then that definitely means I won’t be joyful or happy for most of the time that I'm here. So, instead I realized that I need to not only take the bad circumstances with courage, but actually rejoice in them. I need to learn to be happy when life isn't giving, but also, and more importantly, when life is taking. Just because these times are seemingly awful does not mean that they aren't as important for me as the “good times” in life. In fact, it seems that these trials lead me into being someone much more joyful than I could have ever been if my life had continued on normally; well normal as in if it had gone on as expected.
It is then that I read this verse, and it seemed to sum up exactly the guidance and encouragement that my soul had been searching for.
Romans 5:3-4 “Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope.”
Also, in another light;
Job 1:21, “The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away; may the name of the LORD be praised."Blessed be the name of the Lord, for he gives and takes away. I need to learn to praise him not only for the things he has given me, but especially for the things he has taken away from me.