Sunday, January 13, 2013

So Much Thankfulness.

I want to thank you for you who you’ve made me, and what you’ve done in my life. As I become weaker, my heart becomes more joyous and well, to be honest, excited. I want to continue with this trial- God I want you to send more suffering. What more can you show me Lord? What more can I be counted worthy enough to suffer through? I feel so incredibly humble and honored to have been given these hardships. Many people will come to me and say “Oh Anna, I pray for you to be healed, I know it’s possible”. And as sweet as they are, the truth is, I don’t want to be healed. For the first time I’ve felt a worth to my life, and a deeper understanding of what life is. I don’t want it to go away, I feel I would lose this perspective and this oneness with God.

My favorite moments in my life have been those when I’ve fallen on my knees out of despair with tears streaming down my face. These are the nights when I see the face of God- I see who he truly is. When someone asks me what my favorite memory is I immediately think back over the times spent crying with my closest of friends. These have completely surpassed even the happiest of memories. It's something that I'm not sure I can explain, but is something that is surely true. 

Sometimes however I feel like I mess up. I feel like other people would use this opportunity and sickness to drive them so much farther, to use it to reach others so much more- I feel like I fail. Often I will feel like I’m not good enough for this life God has given me. But then I remember how God uses even the weakest of people in the biggest of ways. I know for a fact now that God has prepared my heart throughout my whole life for this trial. I mean really how many times when we are sick do we say I don’t want to get better- in fact, I want to get worse! I know this is something not coming from my own heart, but from God's.  He gives me such a willingness to accept my life for what it is, and a heart longing to follow him even through the scariest of times. 

In the end I am so thankful for what I cannot do. 
I’m so joyous over the brokenness of my body. 
What more could I even imagine for my life?? 
My life may not be as long as other's, it may not be as filled with earthly things and accomplishments, but I know that it is filled with unspoken beauty and a love far deeper than one I've ever known before.

God, all you have done for me almost brings me to tears. Surely you are strong in my weakness, and you are my joy in my brokenness and despair.
Let the rain and storms come. Do all that you will to me God, all that you will and even more, but let me show others the love and compassion you have shown me.

Today I was introduced to a little boy who suffers from chronic pain as well. As I sat there with him and his mother, I was overflowing with happiness. Not because of this family’s trials, but because I was  someone able to sit there and hold this little boy’s hand and understand. As I watched the tears roll down his mother’s face, my heart broke and I was just filled with compassion and love for them both.
These moments and opportunities that I have been given are what bring the purest joy and deepest meaning to me in this life.
God, thank you.