Why Persevere?

I’ve felt really lost lately. It seems this year, especially these last few weeks, have proven more difficult than any I can remember in the past. The hardest part has been pushing through it all. Even though I have many different things falling apart in my life right now, I’m still expected to keep going and moving forward. I guess out of anyone around me it is I who expects the most. School, and many other areas, has begun to layer one thing on top of another, and as I look towards the days and weeks in front of me they seem impossible. The hardest part though is knowing that if I push through harder, I will only feel the consequences of it later, making the days after even more difficult than the ones I am in now. So to me it seems pointless to keep going, if I’m only going to make things worse. I guess what I mean is that, to be more specific, one example is the pain I’m feeling today is only going to increase if I get up and go through school and the hours of homework that will follow. If I stay home and rest, I’m only going to have the school work pile up more and more which will come back to hit me later, and will eventually cause me to feel worse as I try to catch up with everything. So, for the last couple days I’ve wondered, why would I keep going? What is there for me? If this life continues on the way it has been, I can only see my health failing more, and everyday tasks becoming more and more difficult.

Another thought also came into my head when I was thinking about all of this. I began to wonder, what do I take joy in? Really. What makes me happy? If it’s just the good days, when life is comfortable and easy, and giving me things, then that definitely means I won’t be joyful or happy for most of the time that I'm here. So, instead I realized that I need to not only take the bad circumstances with courage, but actually rejoice in them. I need to learn to be happy when life isn't giving, but also, and more importantly, when life is taking. Just because these times are seemingly awful does not mean that they aren't as important for me as the “good times” in life. In fact, it seems that these trials lead me into being someone much more joyful than I could have ever been if my life had continued on normally; well normal as in if it had gone on as expected.

It is then that I read this verse, and it seemed to sum up exactly the guidance and encouragement that my soul had been searching for.

Romans 5:3-4 “Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope.”

Also, in another light;

Job 1:21, “The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away; may the name of the LORD be praised."

Blessed be the name of the Lord, for he gives and takes away. I need to learn to praise him not only for the things he has given me, but especially for the things he has taken away from me.

What counts?

So I started thinking.

And, like all thoughts, these thoughts came to me during my shower, in which place only the best ideas come from.

I divided up my last year into a few parts. The first part I decided was more like the coping side, dealing with all the new hindrances and troubles that I encountered, and kept on encountering through the months.

Now, I thought, I’ve moved on into the surviving stage. Where I learn to take the new difficulties thrown at me and relearn how to live and do things.

Before going on I have to state that this is in no way a pity party here or any such thing. I see it more as a decoding of what different experiences I’m having.

So with that being said, I’ll move forward.

I’m starting to figure out that while encountering these new obstacles I’m learning things from them. For example, one night I may not have the will or strength to study for an 8 am test the next day. Before, I would stress out about this, knowing that if I stay up and push through studying, I won’t be able to make it through the test tomorrow. But, if I go to bed, I won’t be prepared to even take the test anyway. So, seeing these two options would naturally make someone like me very worried and quite perplexed. However, only recently have I begun to understand what is worth worrying about, and what isn’t. Point of view maybe, some would call it. As I face that fact that yes I am sick and yes there will be many more of these days to come, and that no, my life isn’t revolving around this test, or even this class, it helps me to realize the value and worth of the things in my life.

Even some days when maybe it’s just that Monday where you get back a test you thought you aced and well, it wasn’t even close. And as you try to shake it off you go to your next class and turns out you have a huge essay due in a day or two, and you have no idea on what. And then you drop your plate at lunch. Or maybe fall down the stairs, just to add it into the mix. Well I don’t know about others but those days definitely hit me every now and then, and it’s harder than it seems for me to not get upset and just give up on the day. More often than not after only a few hours I find myself wishing that this day would be over and I could go to bed. It’s then that I heard someone say, “Thank you God for creating this beautiful and amazing day.” And I stopped. And thought. First thoughts were how in the world is this day beautiful.. and second were, it’s got to be wrong for me to be wishing for the weekend already. When I just go through each class and each homework assignment and just think of it ending before it even began, how is that for a life? I wouldn’t be surprised come Christmas and me not having appreciated one day between now and then. I realized that I have to change that because I don’t want to see how the rest of my week, and even year will go if that’s literally my attitude for every day.  Like I heard earlier, it’s a beautiful day. And if you’re not feeling its beauty, then change that. Do something now to make it something special and unique. What’s even more rewarding to me and makes my days count is giving my time to someone else, letting someone else know that they’re loved and they definitely made my day better, and I hope I can return even a piece of the favor.

Of course these are just small thoughts and small words. But words count, don’t they?





"This is the day the LORD has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it." Psalm 118:24

God I’m crying out to you.

The concerns of my heart seemed to have multiplied to such a burden that I cannot seem to carry.

I know that you long for us to cast our cares on you, and Lord I have nothing else to do.

I have no one else to cling to, and nothing else to cling to, but you and your mercy and love.

I feel so lost that I cannot see land. I feel like I’m sinking in the sea and barely breathing.

Not only have I felt the solitude of the journey in this life, but also Lord I seem to have been stricken down 

even more so with my physical health, and I am at a loss as to how I am to continue on in this state.

But you Lord and you alone have given me courage hope and a strength that I know cannot come from me.

I do not have many words to pray, but I will pray this;

Out of the complete desperation and loss I am feeling Lord, I cling to you and your saving grace as I 

continue to rise up each morning and face the world of which I have created this large mess.

I need you to help me pick up the pieces of my life that have fallen apart.

I pray that even in this life you have given me that you will be honored God, and that you above all will be praised.

Glory be to God who can create amazing things to come out of our struggles.

For I am nothing, and you are everything.

These are the cries of my heart. 

When I've stopped and thought..

Do you ever stop to think about the world- and how focused you are on your own? It becomes embarrassing to me the time spent worrying about myself, when really, there is so much more to this life than me. I feel I’ve been given many reasons to be overly focused on my own world. But what I want to take away from all this, or what I want to do with all this is step away and back out of the spotlight, so that whoever may be looking at me can only see who is really behind it all- God.

When I do that, it makes whoever may be talking to me or listening to me so much more special because I realize that I don’t deserve it, that it is a gift. It also makes me think about what I’m going to do with these gifts, and this turns my whole perspective from how can I make myself happy into how can I be one who is humble enough to allow God to do great things through. 

Pure Joy

In these past couple weeks I have been spending time with many different friends and family. What really struck me as amazing was being around those whose hearts were full of the joy of Christ. After I got home I realized that just being in their company was a joy in itself because they truly were satisfied and at complete peace with the Lord. Their joy was so apparent to everyone near them, even those just observing. The Lord opened my eyes to see that no one wants to be around someone who is down and has nothing to give. But everyone wants to be around someone who is full of the life God has given them. It was such a blessing to be able to be around these people this week, and I pray in the future the Lord would grant me a fraction of the joy I have seen around me.

In my time alone this week I was lead to a few different verses that all portray the true joy that the Lord can give.

“Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.” 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

“May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.” Romans 15:13

“Though the fig tree does not bud and there are no grapes on the vines, though the olive crop fails and the fields produce no food, though there are no sheep in the pen and no cattle in the stalls, yet I will rejoice in the Lord, I will be joyful in God my Savior.” Habakkuk 3:17-18

And in my prayers this week I pray these few things..

“Bring joy to your servant, Lord, for I put my trust in you.” Psalm 86:4

“Restore to me the joy of your salvation and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me.” Psalm 51:12

Amen.

The dry stage.


That's the way I would put it.


The other day I went in for another EMG test. While waiting for the doctor to come in my mom, like always, asked me questions so that I would know the gist of what the doctor would say or what he's looking for. Somewhere in between the numerous questions I found myself blurting out, "It (the test) doesn't even matter. He's not going to find anything". It wasn't till then that I realized that I really have given up all hope of doctors. All the appointments and tests are endless and seemingly nothing comes out of it. No answers. Nope. Nothin. Of course each one you could say gets us closer to an answer, but for me I just need straight up you have it or you don't. And that is exactly what I don't get. Here in this stage, I'm not sure what to do. I'm one for action, and I can't stand long periods of time where not much is happening. So I pretend like there's nothing wrong with me. That way, I won't get upset with the doctors who keep telling me that there's nothing wrong. (Even though it's far, far from that.) 


The other thing I've noticed about this dry period is that people forget. Sometimes I feel like people around me think I was just being overly dramatic about having a disease because nothing dramatic or drastic is happening now. I will be honest, that is not even close to the truth of it all. I don't feel bad because I don't get sympathy or pity, no way! I just get confused on what I am supposed to do with this time. I want people to know that it's all still real for me, but when there's nothing visible going on, there's no way to do that. I also don't want to feel like I'm letting people down, which might sound weird when you're talking about a disease.  But I guess it's the pressure of having the disease, and having so many watching you, that you feel like you need to live up to what other people think of you.
I know it might not be what is right, but it is how things look from the standpoint that I am currently in.


Today I was approached by a woman in my church. She put together a small collection of things that meant so much to her as she was, and still is, struggling with her health. As one by one she explained the significance of each, and gave it to me, it really began to hit me how lonely I have felt recently. Knowing that someone had the heart and care to entrust to me many things of value to her all for my encouragement was so incredibly humbling, and so amazing. The self consciousness that had began to show itself in my life was stripped away and I was completely surrounded with love and affection.


Relationships, as I am beginning to understand, hold so much power in the lives of people. I'm learning to cherish mine and to grow each individually, as well as searching out ones to strengthen. For God did not give us this life to walk alone, but to share with others, continually building each other up to becoming the most you can be. And at the foundation of each friendship is love, and therefore Christ, creating each relationship to be as beautiful as He is.

Just a Note.


I want to treat this blog like a journal. I want to show all the aspects of the different feelings and things you go through when faced with something that is life changing.


This means that I will share my thoughts when I'm being selfish, when I feel hopeless, and maybe times of frustration as well. But also I want to share the times when I've felt so much hope, so much love, and so much joy.


I don't want one to read one of my blog posts and think I am making a mistake with what I am writing. After awhile I want it to paint an accurate picture of the up and down days and fall mainly back onto Christ, because he is what ultimately is holding me together.


Thank you-
Anna