Thursday, December 25, 2014

Honestly...Ready for More

Suffering's really hard. 

I have stomach ulcers, and have been put on a strict antibiotic regiment to help fight them. The antibiotics have attacked the ulcers and it has become the battle for the stomach. Although why anything would want to fight for my stomach, I don't know, it's too messed up to be of much worth. Yet they're giving their best.

Nonetheless- tonight it feels like the battle's come to a climax (or one of the climaxes). It has been such constant incredible pain, that I want to throw up. I can practically feel the explosions down in there. Looking forward to peacetime. #warofthestomach 

Last night I felt so fatigued that I couldn't spend time with my family, I had to turn in for the night. I had to walk up a flight of stairs to get to the bed, and I was so weak that I just about fell backwards down the stairs. I didn't want to tell anyone I couldn't walk, because that sounds absurd, so I fell up every stair. When I made it to the bed, it was a victory. 

My muscles (every muscle you can think of, the disease isn't exclusive, very considerate) are incredibly sore to the touch. It feels as though I was beaten a couple days ago, and am just now feeling the bruising. 
This goes along with a pounding headache, and strong chest pain, and a few other minor symptoms not worth mentioning. 
I guess I can't really express the hurt that I feel very well, but it has been enough to bring some tears, and that is saying a lot for me. 

I've been asked before to give more updates on my physical health. That seems to be very difficult for me, because talking about my pain or discomfort often makes me feel like I am complaining. Even writing the above was a stretch. However, sometimes I suppose I could be honest. 

Though the pain has been exquisite lately, I still say bring it on. Ignore the tears God, I can take more. Give me more. 
Bring me suffering, bring me pain, 
bring me brokenness, if it will still bless your name. 

Sometimes I have to cry out because the pain is a lot, but it doesn't mean I am ungrateful or unwilling. It just means I'm human. I am weak God, but thankfully through your strength I can also endure; and not only endure, but find joy. 
So don't hold back, I'm ready for what you have in store, whether it be death, or increased and amplified suffering. 

Can't lie, death sounds like a pretty sweet deal right now. Encouraged by the verse: 
"Precious in the sight of the Lord is the death of his faithful servants." Psalm‬ ‭116‬:‭15‬. 
But as long as you have me down here, I'll fight hard for ya. Yet not by my strength, but yours alone. Thanks for allowing me to suffer, God. I'm ready for more.