Monday, September 24, 2012

What counts?

So I started thinking.

And, like all thoughts, these thoughts came to me during my shower, in which place only the best ideas come from.

I divided up my last year into a few parts. The first part I decided was more like the coping side, dealing with all the new hindrances and troubles that I encountered, and kept on encountering through the months.

Now, I thought, I’ve moved on into the surviving stage. Where I learn to take the new difficulties thrown at me and relearn how to live and do things.

Before going on I have to state that this is in no way a pity party here or any such thing. I see it more as a decoding of what different experiences I’m having.
So with that being said, I’ll move forward.

I’m starting to figure out that while encountering these new obstacles I’m learning things from them. For example, one night I may not have the will or strength to study for an 8 am test the next day. Before, I would stress out about this, knowing that if I stay up and push through studying, I won’t be able to make it through the test tomorrow. But, if I go to bed, I won’t be prepared to even take the test anyway. So, seeing these two options would naturally make someone like me very worried and quite perplexed. However, only recently have I begun to understand what is worth worrying about, and what isn’t. Point of view maybe, some would call it. As I face that fact that yes I am sick and yes there will be many more of these days to come, and that no, my life isn’t revolving around this test, or even this class, it helps me to realize the value and worth of the things in my life.

Even some days when maybe it’s just that Monday where you get back a test you thought you aced and well, it wasn’t even close. And as you try to shake it off you go to your next class and turns out you have a huge essay due in a day or two, and you have no idea on what. And then you drop your plate at lunch. Or maybe fall down the stairs, just to add it into the mix. Well I don’t know about others but those days definitely hit me every now and then, and it’s harder than it seems for me to not get upset and just give up on the day. More often than not after only a few hours I find myself wishing that this day would be over and I could go to bed. It’s then that I heard someone say, “Thank you God for creating this beautiful and amazing day.” And I stopped. And thought. First thoughts were how in the world is this day beautiful.. and second were, it’s got to be wrong for me to be wishing for the weekend already. When I just go through each class and each homework assignment and just think of it ending before it even began, how is that for a life? I wouldn’t be surprised come Christmas and me not having appreciated one day between now and then. I realized that I have to change that because I don’t want to see how the rest of my week, and even year will go if that’s literally my attitude for every day.  Like I heard earlier, it’s a beautiful day. And if you’re not feeling its beauty, then change that. Do something now to make it something special and unique. What’s even more rewarding to me and makes my days count is giving my time to someone else, letting someone else know that they’re loved and they definitely made my day better, and I hope I can return even a piece of the favor.

Of course these are just small thoughts and small words. But words count, don’t they?

"This is the day the LORD has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it." Psalm 118:24

Sunday, September 16, 2012

God I’m crying out to you.

The concerns of my heart seemed to have multiplied to such a burden that I cannot seem to carry.

I know that you long for us to cast our cares on you, and Lord I have nothing else to do.

I have no one else to cling to, and nothing else to cling to, but you and your mercy and love.

I feel so lost that I cannot see land. I feel like I’m sinking in the sea and barely breathing.

Not only have I felt the solitude of the journey in this life, but also Lord I seem to have been stricken down 
even more so with my physical health, and I am at a loss as to how I am to continue on in this state.

But you Lord and you alone have given me courage hope and a strength that I know cannot come from me.

I do not have many words to pray, but I will pray this;

Out of the complete desperation and loss I am feeling Lord, I cling to you and your saving grace as I 
continue to rise up each morning and face the world of which I have created this large mess.

I need you to help me pick up the pieces of my life that have fallen apart.

I pray that even in this life you have given me that you will be honored God, and that you above all will be praised.

Glory be to God who can create amazing things to come out of our struggles.

For I am nothing, and you are everything.

These are the cries of my heart.