Sunday, July 22, 2012

The dry stage.

That's the way I would put it.

The other day I went in for another EMG test. While waiting for the doctor to come in my mom, like always, asked me questions so that I would know the gist of what the doctor would say or what he's looking for. Somewhere in between the numerous questions I found myself blurting out, "It (the test) doesn't even matter. He's not going to find anything". It wasn't till then that I realized that I really have given up all hope of doctors. All the appointments and tests are endless and seemingly nothing comes out of it. No answers. Nope. Nothin. Of course each one you could say gets us closer to an answer, but for me I just need straight up you have it or you don't. And that is exactly what I don't get. Here in this stage, I'm not sure what to do. I'm one for action, and I can't stand long periods of time where not much is happening. So I pretend like there's nothing wrong with me. That way, I won't get upset with the doctors who keep telling me that there's nothing wrong. (Even though it's far, far from that.) 

The other thing I've noticed about this dry period is that people forget. Sometimes I feel like people around me think I was just being overly dramatic about having a disease because nothing dramatic or drastic is happening now. I will be honest, that is not even close to the truth of it all. I don't feel bad because I don't get sympathy or pity, no way! I just get confused on what I am supposed to do with this time. I want people to know that it's all still real for me, but when there's nothing visible going on, there's no way to do that. I also don't want to feel like I'm letting people down, which might sound weird when you're talking about a disease.  But I guess it's the pressure of having the disease, and having so many watching you, that you feel like you need to live up to what other people think of you.
I know it might not be what is right, but it is how things look from the standpoint that I am currently in.

Today I was approached by a woman in my church. She put together a small collection of things that meant so much to her as she was, and still is, struggling with her health. As one by one she explained the significance of each, and gave it to me, it really began to hit me how lonely I have felt recently. Knowing that someone had the heart and care to entrust to me many things of value to her all for my encouragement was so incredibly humbling, and so amazing. The self consciousness that had began to show itself in my life was stripped away and I was completely surrounded with love and affection.

Relationships, as I am beginning to understand, hold so much power in the lives of people. I'm learning to cherish mine and to grow each individually, as well as searching out ones to strengthen. For God did not give us this life to walk alone, but to share with others, continually building each other up to becoming the most you can be. And at the foundation of each friendship is love, and therefore Christ, creating each relationship to be as beautiful as He is.

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