There is no mask.

In brokenness there is no mask. There is no deceit. There is no deceiving.

When you are completely torn from the inside and all you know is gone, you have no spirit left to pride yourself in. Here, we are all equals.

There is no “I am hurting better than you”. There is no wasted time with self-pride, self-righteousness, or trying to pull above or ahead of others. When you are truly torn, all that is left is genuine. This realness is something that I have grown a respect for.

I’m not sure why we spend so much time packaging ourselves to sell to others, always trying to “one-up” someone else. I can’t say this isn’t me, for I know many times it has been. But on the other side of life, on the side opposite of happiness and pleasure, there is none of that. Instead, we who are hurting cling to one another. We do not try to push them away, or try to show them we can cry more. That is ridiculous. Rather, we open ourselves. We are a people pleading with everything, even though we don’t always show it.

In this place of despair, there are no social rules, because you need none. You are just trying to survive; to take each breath as it comes and hope you live to see the next one.

Pain is pain and brokenness is brokenness.

In conclusion? Well I haven’t reached there yet. This thought is open, some could argue incomplete.  But I do believe it is true. 

Hold My Hand.

Hold my hand God.

You don't have to make the pain stop,
just hold my hand.


I'm not crying because  I'm angry or bitter. I'm just crying because I'm scared. It's not like the flu, when you know you'll have a couple days of fevers and maybe a few times spent in the bathroom throwing up. It's different, each minute is different. It changes, and I never know when it will reach it's climax or when it might recede. It could be in a few minutes, it could be in hours, it could be in days, or what if the pain doesn't stop? I never know how far it will take me. Will it just remain a small pain in my gut for the time being, or will it proceed into the hours of the night, where tears fall and silent screams are released as I lie on the bathroom floor unable to cry out for anyone to help. It's scary.

I'll go through it, I'll take the pain, I just need to know you're here with me Jesus.

Hope and Dandelions

“We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure.” Hebrews 6:19.

Hope I’m finding, and the promise of hope, is a key to true life; true life being more than just living. It is being alive with a purpose and an energy and a sense of joy found simply in the gift of life.

For me an opportunity arose to discover a tried, and a true, hope.

More often than not, humanity keeps a negative outlook on difficult circumstances.  It is our automatic fallback.

In trying to push aside all that has fallen apart in my life, I have continually searched for the path God has for me. This is not a simple task of just brushing aside those things in life that I have lost.  Believe me, there have been countless dreams crushed (those of sports, activities with high school friends, rigorous studies), where it appeared that God removed them without showing His regret. At least it felt like God hasn’t understood  

all that I wanted and loved.  I know, of course, that He has a plan for my life and that His ways are above my ways.  I also recognize that He understands fully the struggles of this world. However- it is one thing to know in your mind, and another altogether to feel this in your heart when enduring great trials.

Nonetheless, even though my courage wavers, I will not give up on my life or on finding the path that I have to follow; one that will not collapse on me.

This would be where the hope comes in.

For some reason hope and love are closely linked in my mind. When I am feeling most hopeless, I realize that I am also feeling immensely alone. However, when I begin to remember others, to reach out to them, and to love them, there is suddenly a point to the world. I am not here to live for myself and love myself, but to live for and love others- with everything I have.

Even when the darkest days come over me, if I am able to remember that I still have the capability to love others, I rejoice.

Last Saturday I had the opportunity to serve at a workday at my church. On these days many people come together and give their time to help clean, weed, and repair the church building itself. When I decided to go, it was more of my mind that decided, not my body. My body was weak and nauseous and rejected even the thought of work. But this is not a praise note for myself for having “heroically” attended. Rather, my point to the setting was that it was a darker day, and with help from above, I was able to go and serve.

After the first 15 minutes, a little girl approached me and began to talk to me. She showed me the great dandelions she had picked, and was beaming with excitement.  Remembering times from when I was little, I immediately praised the weeds and told her if she could pick 10 more, I would teach her how to make them into a crown. Grinning, she ran off to complete the task. When she returned, we took a seat in the shade on the cool grass and began to chat. Asking each other questions, I slowly showed her how to insert one dandelion into the other to make them into a circle. She quickly picked up the idea and called them “dandelion chains”. After we finished she seemed unsure of our creation, and had me wear it. I went back to finish my raking chore, and only minutes after I began to see other workers with dandelion chains on their heads. I looked around and saw her on the grass diligently crafting dandelions with a large pile of yellow and green at her side. I felt humbled to see that by simply loving someone else and giving them some time and attention, you can open up their world.

As my world continues to gradually close I long to increase my love towards others, to help open up their own, and give whatever small gifts I have to bless another.  

Learn it?

          Life proves not an easy journey for anyone, but some in particular are forced to weather the worst of the storms. The rest of the world strolls onward and laughs in the sun, ignorant of those scraping through the darker sides of life. For those in the tempests however, suffering does not always flow from the same source. Nevertheless, the hurt and the damage it can do is equivalent. Likewise, it is not how much one suffers that matters, but rather what one does with the suffering he or she encounters.  Pain naturally strips one of their happiness, comfort, and peace and leaves an emptiness, confusion, and utter despair within the heart that is incomparable to anything else in this life. Every day numerous people bring about their own deaths because despair has overcome them. Suffering and destruction can easily conquer the heart and leave one alone and defeated. In the same light however, one also has an unparalleled strength when he or she learns their pain and faces it. Because one may never “move on” or come to agreement with their pain, he or she must learn it. Ask the questions others scarcely have the courage to brush. What is life? What is death? Am I afraid to die? When searching for the answers to these questions, one can discover a renewed hope in which to carry forth. Letting fear harbor in the soul halts the ability to uncover the answers and the hope, therefore seizing immediate control of the heart and mind.  But, when pain is learned, faced, and found out, it opens up a whole new life- and this life is marvelous, and this life is different. The suffering or pain is by no means done away with, but instead is now used to alter perspective. Through the new eyes of your heart you see the world with a love and tenderness and care which you lacked before. This change is the center of your hope. With this change, suffering has turned into an embrace with which you can hold others and tenderly care for them as they are thrown into the midst of their own tempests. 

Struggling with Self Worth

Recently, especially these last two weeks or so, I’ve been struggling a lot with self worth and self-identity. They’re both linked to the same problem; I have been and am slowly losing all grip and control in my life. 

I think back to two years ago, when I was a determined student, a three sport athlete, fully involved in all my church’s activities, and a studying musician (playing the oboe). Now I have had to quit all sports, as it is I am often unable to even sit up without having to strain myself and work up the energy. I have had to quit the oboe, and my grades have been dropping consistently ever since I became sick. Also, more recently, I have become extremely limited in the ability to be at church and I often feel a pressure or guilt of not being able to serve my brothers and sisters there. I know that this pressure is mainly coming from myself, but either way, it’s still there. One of the hardest things I have had to deal with however is not being able to do just about anything. Before the week even starts I have to make a list of all I need to do, and then start crossing off things each day to make sure that I can even get through the week without putting myself in the grave. Figuratively speaking of course. Once I’m done rearranging my schedule into something doable, I’m usually left with school 3 or 4 days a week, and maybe one activity outside of school, which is usually a voice lesson. As I look at my pathetic week, it’s hard not to get discouraged. I know by Tuesday morning I’ll already start feeling the weight of the week, and by the time Friday comes I’m almost falling off my chair in class out of misery.

This is where I get disheartened. What kind of life am I leading? I know a lot of teens are now figuring out who they are, where they want to go, and what they want to do with their lives. They’ve begun to plan out the next five years whereas I’m struggling to plan out the next five minutes! There’s not one thing that I do without analyzing. Do I eat pizza for dinner? No, that might leave my stomach in turmoil. Do I do my math homework now or after my history homework? After history. I need to focus for history and by the time I get to math I might not even be awake, so I can afford to let that slip a little bit. Do I wear these flats or those nicer shoes? The plain flats. Let’s be honest I can barely walk anyway, wearing a nice shoe would just be painful for the next 8 hours at school. Do I sleep during Chemistry class so I can be awake during English? Okay yeah that sounds good. My English grades are in the pit and six feet down anyway. Do I go to this friend’s birthday party or stay home so that tomorrow I can have the energy to maybe get some work done? Well maybe I can give her a nice birthday card instead of attending the party.

I’m just exhausted with it all. I just want to be able to have that careless life back where I get in trouble for doing too little instead of doing too much.

So, self worth and identity. Who am I? Someone who lays on a bed for 15 hours a day because she can’t do more? Since almost everything that has made me, me, has been taken away, I’m not sure what I’m left with. What is there that I can give to others now, because often I can’t afford to give them my time or my attention- well, as much as I long to at least.

My biggest fear is doing nothing with the life I’ve been given. What am I going to do with it? I haven’t figured that out yet. But I’m searching. With God’s wisdom and guidance, I strive to live a life worthy of the calling I have received (Eph. 4:1). And I hold strong to God’s promise that I am fearfully and wonderfully made (Ps. 139:14) and that all things work together for good (Romans 8:28).

So Much Thankfulness.

God,

I want to thank you for you who you’ve made me, and what you’ve done in my life. As I become weaker, my heart becomes more joyous and well, to be honest, excited. I want to continue with this trial- God I want you to send more suffering. What more can you show me Lord? What more can I be counted worthy enough to suffer through? I feel so incredibly humble and honored to have been given these hardships. Many people will come to me and say “Oh Anna, I pray for you to be healed, I know it’s possible”. And as sweet as they are, the truth is, I don’t want to be healed. For the first time I’ve felt a worth to my life, and a deeper understanding of what life is. I don’t want it to go away, I feel I would lose this perspective and this oneness with God.

My favorite moments in my life have been those when I’ve fallen on my knees out of despair with tears streaming down my face. These are the nights when I see the face of God- I see who he truly is. When someone asks me what my favorite memory is I immediately think back over the times spent crying with my closest of friends. These have completely surpassed even the happiest of memories. It's something that I'm not sure I can explain, but is something that is surely true. 

Sometimes however I feel like I mess up. I feel like other people would use this opportunity and sickness to drive them so much farther, to use it to reach others so much more- I feel like I fail. Often I will feel like I’m not good enough for this life God has given me. But then I remember how God uses even the weakest of people in the biggest of ways. I know for a fact now that God has prepared my heart throughout my whole life for this trial. I mean really how many times when we are sick do we say I don’t want to get better- in fact, I want to get worse! I know this is something not coming from my own heart, but from God's.  He gives me such a willingness to accept my life for what it is, and a heart longing to follow him even through the scariest of times. 

In the end I am so thankful for what I cannot do. 

I’m so joyous over the brokenness of my body. 

What more could I even imagine for my life?? 

My life may not be as long as other's, it may not be as filled with earthly things and accomplishments, but I know that it is filled with unspoken beauty and a love far deeper than one I've ever known before.

God, all you have done for me almost brings me to tears. Surely you are strong in my weakness, and you are my joy in my brokenness and despair.

Let the rain and storms come. Do all that you will to me God, all that you will and even more, but let me show others the love and compassion you have shown me.

Today I was introduced to a little boy who suffers from chronic pain as well. As I sat there with him and his mother, I was overflowing with happiness. Not because of this family’s trials, but because I was  someone able to sit there and hold this little boy’s hand and understand. As I watched the tears roll down his mother’s face, my heart broke and I was just filled with compassion and love for them both.

These moments and opportunities that I have been given are what bring the purest joy and deepest meaning to me in this life.

God, thank you.