Hold My Hand.

Hold my hand God.

You don't have to make the pain stop,
just hold my hand.


I'm not crying because  I'm angry or bitter. I'm just crying because I'm scared. It's not like the flu, when you know you'll have a couple days of fevers and maybe a few times spent in the bathroom throwing up. It's different, each minute is different. It changes, and I never know when it will reach it's climax or when it might recede. It could be in a few minutes, it could be in hours, it could be in days, or what if the pain doesn't stop? I never know how far it will take me. Will it just remain a small pain in my gut for the time being, or will it proceed into the hours of the night, where tears fall and silent screams are released as I lie on the bathroom floor unable to cry out for anyone to help. It's scary.

I'll go through it, I'll take the pain, I just need to know you're here with me Jesus.

Hope and Dandelions

“We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure.” Hebrews 6:19.

Hope I’m finding, and the promise of hope, is a key to true life; true life being more than just living. It is being alive with a purpose and an energy and a sense of joy found simply in the gift of life.

For me an opportunity arose to discover a tried, and a true, hope.

More often than not, humanity keeps a negative outlook on difficult circumstances.  It is our automatic fallback.

In trying to push aside all that has fallen apart in my life, I have continually searched for the path God has for me. This is not a simple task of just brushing aside those things in life that I have lost.  Believe me, there have been countless dreams crushed (those of sports, activities with high school friends, rigorous studies), where it appeared that God removed them without showing His regret. At least it felt like God hasn’t understood  

all that I wanted and loved.  I know, of course, that He has a plan for my life and that His ways are above my ways.  I also recognize that He understands fully the struggles of this world. However- it is one thing to know in your mind, and another altogether to feel this in your heart when enduring great trials.

Nonetheless, even though my courage wavers, I will not give up on my life or on finding the path that I have to follow; one that will not collapse on me.

This would be where the hope comes in.

For some reason hope and love are closely linked in my mind. When I am feeling most hopeless, I realize that I am also feeling immensely alone. However, when I begin to remember others, to reach out to them, and to love them, there is suddenly a point to the world. I am not here to live for myself and love myself, but to live for and love others- with everything I have.

Even when the darkest days come over me, if I am able to remember that I still have the capability to love others, I rejoice.

Last Saturday I had the opportunity to serve at a workday at my church. On these days many people come together and give their time to help clean, weed, and repair the church building itself. When I decided to go, it was more of my mind that decided, not my body. My body was weak and nauseous and rejected even the thought of work. But this is not a praise note for myself for having “heroically” attended. Rather, my point to the setting was that it was a darker day, and with help from above, I was able to go and serve.

After the first 15 minutes, a little girl approached me and began to talk to me. She showed me the great dandelions she had picked, and was beaming with excitement.  Remembering times from when I was little, I immediately praised the weeds and told her if she could pick 10 more, I would teach her how to make them into a crown. Grinning, she ran off to complete the task. When she returned, we took a seat in the shade on the cool grass and began to chat. Asking each other questions, I slowly showed her how to insert one dandelion into the other to make them into a circle. She quickly picked up the idea and called them “dandelion chains”. After we finished she seemed unsure of our creation, and had me wear it. I went back to finish my raking chore, and only minutes after I began to see other workers with dandelion chains on their heads. I looked around and saw her on the grass diligently crafting dandelions with a large pile of yellow and green at her side. I felt humbled to see that by simply loving someone else and giving them some time and attention, you can open up their world.

As my world continues to gradually close I long to increase my love towards others, to help open up their own, and give whatever small gifts I have to bless another.  

Learn it?

          Life proves not an easy journey for anyone, but some in particular are forced to weather the worst of the storms. The rest of the world strolls onward and laughs in the sun, ignorant of those scraping through the darker sides of life. For those in the tempests however, suffering does not always flow from the same source. Nevertheless, the hurt and the damage it can do is equivalent. Likewise, it is not how much one suffers that matters, but rather what one does with the suffering he or she encounters.  Pain naturally strips one of their happiness, comfort, and peace and leaves an emptiness, confusion, and utter despair within the heart that is incomparable to anything else in this life. Every day numerous people bring about their own deaths because despair has overcome them. Suffering and destruction can easily conquer the heart and leave one alone and defeated. In the same light however, one also has an unparalleled strength when he or she learns their pain and faces it. Because one may never “move on” or come to agreement with their pain, he or she must learn it. Ask the questions others scarcely have the courage to brush. What is life? What is death? Am I afraid to die? When searching for the answers to these questions, one can discover a renewed hope in which to carry forth. Letting fear harbor in the soul halts the ability to uncover the answers and the hope, therefore seizing immediate control of the heart and mind.  But, when pain is learned, faced, and found out, it opens up a whole new life- and this life is marvelous, and this life is different. The suffering or pain is by no means done away with, but instead is now used to alter perspective. Through the new eyes of your heart you see the world with a love and tenderness and care which you lacked before. This change is the center of your hope. With this change, suffering has turned into an embrace with which you can hold others and tenderly care for them as they are thrown into the midst of their own tempests. 

Struggling with Self Worth

Recently, especially these last two weeks or so, I’ve been struggling a lot with self worth and self-identity. They’re both linked to the same problem; I have been and am slowly losing all grip and control in my life. 

I think back to two years ago, when I was a determined student, a three sport athlete, fully involved in all my church’s activities, and a studying musician (playing the oboe). Now I have had to quit all sports, as it is I am often unable to even sit up without having to strain myself and work up the energy. I have had to quit the oboe, and my grades have been dropping consistently ever since I became sick. Also, more recently, I have become extremely limited in the ability to be at church and I often feel a pressure or guilt of not being able to serve my brothers and sisters there. I know that this pressure is mainly coming from myself, but either way, it’s still there. One of the hardest things I have had to deal with however is not being able to do just about anything. Before the week even starts I have to make a list of all I need to do, and then start crossing off things each day to make sure that I can even get through the week without putting myself in the grave. Figuratively speaking of course. Once I’m done rearranging my schedule into something doable, I’m usually left with school 3 or 4 days a week, and maybe one activity outside of school, which is usually a voice lesson. As I look at my pathetic week, it’s hard not to get discouraged. I know by Tuesday morning I’ll already start feeling the weight of the week, and by the time Friday comes I’m almost falling off my chair in class out of misery.

This is where I get disheartened. What kind of life am I leading? I know a lot of teens are now figuring out who they are, where they want to go, and what they want to do with their lives. They’ve begun to plan out the next five years whereas I’m struggling to plan out the next five minutes! There’s not one thing that I do without analyzing. Do I eat pizza for dinner? No, that might leave my stomach in turmoil. Do I do my math homework now or after my history homework? After history. I need to focus for history and by the time I get to math I might not even be awake, so I can afford to let that slip a little bit. Do I wear these flats or those nicer shoes? The plain flats. Let’s be honest I can barely walk anyway, wearing a nice shoe would just be painful for the next 8 hours at school. Do I sleep during Chemistry class so I can be awake during English? Okay yeah that sounds good. My English grades are in the pit and six feet down anyway. Do I go to this friend’s birthday party or stay home so that tomorrow I can have the energy to maybe get some work done? Well maybe I can give her a nice birthday card instead of attending the party.

I’m just exhausted with it all. I just want to be able to have that careless life back where I get in trouble for doing too little instead of doing too much.

So, self worth and identity. Who am I? Someone who lays on a bed for 15 hours a day because she can’t do more? Since almost everything that has made me, me, has been taken away, I’m not sure what I’m left with. What is there that I can give to others now, because often I can’t afford to give them my time or my attention- well, as much as I long to at least.

My biggest fear is doing nothing with the life I’ve been given. What am I going to do with it? I haven’t figured that out yet. But I’m searching. With God’s wisdom and guidance, I strive to live a life worthy of the calling I have received (Eph. 4:1). And I hold strong to God’s promise that I am fearfully and wonderfully made (Ps. 139:14) and that all things work together for good (Romans 8:28).

So Much Thankfulness.

God,

I want to thank you for you who you’ve made me, and what you’ve done in my life. As I become weaker, my heart becomes more joyous and well, to be honest, excited. I want to continue with this trial- God I want you to send more suffering. What more can you show me Lord? What more can I be counted worthy enough to suffer through? I feel so incredibly humble and honored to have been given these hardships. Many people will come to me and say “Oh Anna, I pray for you to be healed, I know it’s possible”. And as sweet as they are, the truth is, I don’t want to be healed. For the first time I’ve felt a worth to my life, and a deeper understanding of what life is. I don’t want it to go away, I feel I would lose this perspective and this oneness with God.

My favorite moments in my life have been those when I’ve fallen on my knees out of despair with tears streaming down my face. These are the nights when I see the face of God- I see who he truly is. When someone asks me what my favorite memory is I immediately think back over the times spent crying with my closest of friends. These have completely surpassed even the happiest of memories. It's something that I'm not sure I can explain, but is something that is surely true. 

Sometimes however I feel like I mess up. I feel like other people would use this opportunity and sickness to drive them so much farther, to use it to reach others so much more- I feel like I fail. Often I will feel like I’m not good enough for this life God has given me. But then I remember how God uses even the weakest of people in the biggest of ways. I know for a fact now that God has prepared my heart throughout my whole life for this trial. I mean really how many times when we are sick do we say I don’t want to get better- in fact, I want to get worse! I know this is something not coming from my own heart, but from God's.  He gives me such a willingness to accept my life for what it is, and a heart longing to follow him even through the scariest of times. 

In the end I am so thankful for what I cannot do. 

I’m so joyous over the brokenness of my body. 

What more could I even imagine for my life?? 

My life may not be as long as other's, it may not be as filled with earthly things and accomplishments, but I know that it is filled with unspoken beauty and a love far deeper than one I've ever known before.

God, all you have done for me almost brings me to tears. Surely you are strong in my weakness, and you are my joy in my brokenness and despair.

Let the rain and storms come. Do all that you will to me God, all that you will and even more, but let me show others the love and compassion you have shown me.

Today I was introduced to a little boy who suffers from chronic pain as well. As I sat there with him and his mother, I was overflowing with happiness. Not because of this family’s trials, but because I was  someone able to sit there and hold this little boy’s hand and understand. As I watched the tears roll down his mother’s face, my heart broke and I was just filled with compassion and love for them both.

These moments and opportunities that I have been given are what bring the purest joy and deepest meaning to me in this life.

God, thank you. 

A Day in the Life

So, I wanted to give an update, but I wasn’t sure how to do so. After a little thought and consideration I decided upon the idea of writing about a normal day for me. I thought this would give some insight for those wondering, and would be a more interesting way to share my days and thoughts than if I were to just list them out. So, here it goes:

The AM.

The starting point of my day always begins with the alarm. As soon as I open my eyes waves of aches and pains overcome me, and I immediately shut my eyes again, not wanting to remember any of it. Unfortunately, my wish is not granted, and after pushing the snooze button at least twice, I really have to wake up this time. I feel the sore muscles in my legs, and I keep them almost in a paralyzed state for whenever there is the slightest movement it sends off about ten different pains in all directions. Moving up I can feel the nausea in my gut from the night before, and added to that, the constant ache of my stomach. Next I am reminded again that I am very short of breath, and it often reminds me of when you come up for air after you’re underwater, and in those first couple breaths you just can’t get enough air no matter how fast or how hard you gasp. My heart is giving me trouble as well, and as I look over and watch my fish tank, I can see it shake every second or so as the beating in my heart shakes my whole head. I try to ignore also the pounding headache which includes all of my head- and when I mean headache, I mean top of the head, neck, face, jaw, all parts. In addition to my headache, my eyes are also burning and swollen. One day I woke up and my eye was swollen half shut, and didn’t open for an hour or so, which made driving to school a new experience. Another morning I woke up and I was so exhausted I couldn’t see straight- I’m not exaggerating. (That particular I stayed in bed awhile later.) Anyway, Realizing that I can’t close my eyes and try to escape the day, I have to convince myself to get out of bed. In my head I repeat the direction to “sit up..sit up….sit up now…” and often, and sometimes more than once, I have to count 1..2…3 and thrust myself up. Sometimes I fall straight back down, defeating all my efforts. After this I just give up and I have to roll myself out of bed and onto the floor so that gravity takes control, and doesn’t let me back into bed again.

Good. Step one is finished: get out of bed.

Step two: get dressed. This part renders itself a little easier since I have accomplished the most difficult jobs already. Putting on the first shirt I can find, and then some pants that I’m pretty sure match alright, I move on to my hair. Now doing my hair has become quite the task. Since my arms have lost quite a bit of muscle, whenever I lift my arms above my head to put my hair in a ponytail or something like it, I have to stop and rest about every 3 seconds. And let me tell you this adds a lot of time and effort to what was before a simple job. After finally finishing a passable job on my hair, I finish the small things left to do, and get in the car.

Awesome, we made it to the car.

From here it becomes easier and easier to convince myself to keep going. Because getting out of bed and getting ready takes two or three times as long as it did before, I usually end up eating my breakfast in the car. Now breakfast is a difficult thing to eat. My stomach has gotten into the habit of feeling nauseous almost constantly, and I also always feel full. But my brain however tells me that it’s time to eat. So I’m feeling sick, full, and hungry all at the same time. It’s really quite a unique experience, and brings a whole new level of difficulty to eating a breakfast bar. But after a few months of this, I must admit I’m getting pretty good at tricking myself into not throwing up.

So now, we’re finally at school.

Now school has become more, hm.. well just flat out more difficult. Because I’m extremely exhausted all the time, and feeling pretty sick every day, and usually behind in all my classes, it makes not only the academics challenging, but also brings even socializing into being some sort of an obstacle. In every class my mind can’t focus, and when I try to keep it focused on the material and the teacher, it’s like my brain starts to hurt, and it refuses strongly. In discussion classes I find myself barely able to keep up with the discussion, which I feel is pathetic, because it feels like the teacher isn’t even speaking English anymore. Also, I feel terrible because I will sit in class and be barely able to sit up in a chair and not fall over, and I’m trying to really focus on what we’re doing, or what class I’m even in, and I find myself unable to talk to my neighbor. In the hallways it’s a struggle even to say hi to someone in passing, because I’m completely focused on making sure that I just keep walking; left, right, left, right, etc. I can’t explain it, but everything is just so much harder than before. Because of all the pains and aches and exhaustion's I feel, I can’t even be myself at school. Often times, I can’t even be myself at home. I try to give my friends the attention and care they deserve, I try my best. I think I fail more times than I succeed however. Overcoming this new obstacle of still being able to be myself has proven to be one of the toughest trials I have faced yet. You have no idea (or perhaps you do) of how much I long to talk and laugh with my friends at school, or at church, or even with my family at home, but I just can’t. The limitations of my body have grown into limiting who I am it seems. This is truly what saddens my heart and spirit the most; not the partially paralyzed gut, or the muscle weakness, but the stripping of what seems the value of my life.

I’m not sure how exactly to explain it, I have to be honest, but I’m trying my best.

So, I get through school (or most days I do).

Coming home is great, and awful at the same time. I’m so relieved to have a break from running around all day, but at the same time I know I have a huge load of work to do, and all I really want is to climb into bed and never, ever get back out again. I slump down onto my chair and I swear every day I have this same argument in my head: to take a nap and not finish all my homework, or to just keep slaving away at it and lose the rest my body longs for. Usually I pick the latter, convincing myself only a couple more days till the weekend. I pull out my history book and start on the reading. I read one sentence. Okay I didn’t understand. I reread the first half. Okay I’m still lost. I reread the first five words, my  head is pounding, I see my bed out of the corner of my eye, no back to the book. Okay start with the first word: the. Awesome, great, I know that one. This is literally how each paragraph goes in each of my readings, and it is laborious to say the least. Reading and other homework now takes me three times as long as it did before, and I’m doing at least three times a lesser load. It’s truly a miracle if I get all my homework done.

Soon dinner happens, and I go back to my homework again. At last, it’s bedtime.

As I climb into bed, and settle down I remember, shoot, I forgot to take my medicines. I pull out the overflowing bag with at least 15 different pill bottles, and start to pour out the pills. I hate this part because I feel like I must be overdosing on something.. And I’m sure at least half of the medications do nothing for me. But, because I have to, I take them all, and finally get back into bed. It’s a bittersweet moment. I finally get to rest, but it is here that I experience again all the pains I have been ignoring and fighting against all day. I feel my legs burning, sore, with shooting pains going up and down. I feel the sharp tearing and ripping pains in my gut. I feel nauseous. I feel my lungs and heart burning from the strains of the day. I feel my head throbbing more than I’ve noticed all day. I feel my eyes watering up because they burn so much. I feel a sharp pain in my temples, like someone is sticking a knife in there. I feel my hands, which feel like they’re on fire, as the burn from all the use of the day. I feel like my lungs are too weak to open, and sometimes I hold my breath because I don’t have the energy to lift them to breathe. I feel like I can’t move. I feel like I must be close to dying, I got to be. I feel like my heart has been working so hard that surely it will give out at anytime.

And as I feel all these things, I have to pretend like I don’t. If I’m going to get any sleep, I have to put my mind somewhere else. My mind turns to school, no that’s definitely not going to put me to sleep. As I struggle to find rest I watch the clock go from 11:30 to 12:00 .. to 1:15… to 2:05.. Well at this rate I’m going to get no sleep at all, and I’ll wake up tomorrow feeling twice as bad as I do right now. Getting up tomorrow will be worse than this morning! Maybe I’ll sleep in tomorrow.. No, I already took my day off for the week. And anyway, I have two tests and a presentation tomorrow, I can’t miss those. But right now I won’t be able to think straight for any class, and I won’t be able to do well in the least. But I won’t be able to make it up later, and if I put it off for another day, I’ll just be more behind and will do worse. So, tomorrow no matter how I feel, I will get out of bed, and I will make it through school, and homework, and another day. I will finish this week whether I keel over dead at the end of it or not. How do I do this? How can I push myself like this every moment of every day? It’s beyond me.

“I can do all things through him who gives me strength.” Philippians 4:13

Every day brings its own obstacles and exciting experiences, no one day is quite like the last.

I long to make each day count, to look at each one like it is its own adventure.

Let’s begin another one.