Tuesday, June 26, 2012

I don’t know what it’s like to live pain free anymore. I don’t know what it’s like to be able to work without my body screaming at me with every move I make. After I persevere through the job I’m doing, my muscles shake for days from weakness and my joints continue to have shooting pain. I tried to do some gardening for my family yesterday, and with every shovel full of dirt I moved I wanted to cry out because of how much my hands killed. It felt like every bone in my fingers were breaking or already broken and the pieces of bone were going to pierce through my hand at any moment. I kept working however, through the tears and out of stubbornness and dedication. I got the job done thankfully, but now for the last day and a half, I’m paying for it. I don’t want to get out of bed. Or off the couch. Or get up to get some water. But I make myself, ofcourse. At dinner my stomach, reacting to all the work, felt so sick and rejected strongly anything that I put in my mouth. I ate it anyway, because I’ve learned that listening to it only leads to more problems. I’ve learned that listening to the warning signs my body puts out at all times can be ignored, but it all comes back to hit me as soon as I sit down for some rest. I want to be able to serve my family, to help work at my church, to be able to meet with friends and just have some fun together, but it seems so incredibly hard and every muscle in my body is so unwilling. The only thing I know how to do is to keep going, and I hope that it won’t kill me in the long run to keep pushing on.

“With man this is impossible, but not with God; all things are possible with God.” Mark 10:27. 


  1. Stay strong, bunny. You are an inspiration to many people. I think of softball and how your smile would make everyone around you feel so happy. Keep that smile on your face because it's beautiful and makes so many other people happy too. When my grandpa was sick, we called him the energizer bunny because he always kept going. The energizer bunny always keeps going. You're the new bunny, bunny. You are strong and you keep fighting. Your words here have reminded me not to take the little things for granted. You're a fighter and inspiration. Stay strong and keep smiling. :)

    <3 Alyssa

  2. my dear friend..all i can say is that i completely understand you..i can feel your pain..i can feel your frustration..i can relate to your need to lead a "normal" pain-free life..you see i ve been living with the same disease for the last 17 years-since i was a teenager.There are still days i feel totally exhausted after my job..i just need to stay home and relax in order to be able to go to work the next day.Do not exhaust yourself physically..listen to your body..rest if you need to.The most important thing you need to do is reject negativity and be optimistic no matter what!None and nothing can control the way you feel-not even this horrible disease.They way we feel and the way we react to challenges is a personal choice.Please do not ever make the mistake i made when i was your age:do not ever be pessimistic.Always try to focus on the bright side of life.The fact that you have a wonderful family and a brilliant mind should make you feel happy.Scleroderma can not and must not control your thoughts or your feelings.In order to improve your situation you need to be positive-i can guarantee you from my own personal experience throughout the years that a positive attitude is the key when it comes to facing this disease.Believe in yourself,trust your inner power.Thought creates.Positive thoughts will improve the quality of your life.Do not give up on your dreams.Trust me on that..It s more important than medication!I know what i am talking about Anna..it s been 17 years with scleroderma for me..
    love and light,

  3. Anna,
    It is heartbreaking to read that you are in so much pain. You have such a strong spirit. I am keeping you in my thoughts. -A. Pollock