So, I haven’t written in awhile.
I think it’s because for a long time, I didn’t know what to write. I didn’t know what I was supposed to write. And I definitely wasn’t sure how to say it right.
The last few months for me have been kind of a blur. Nothing drastic has happened, and yet a million little things have seemed to occur, and they add up to a lot when I stop and think about it. I’ve had a problem with putting them altogether and clearing my mind. I haven’t been able to think, or understand my life recently. It may be partly my fault, for purposely avoiding the constantly pounding questions. I used the end of school and studying for finals as an excuse to ignore the other problems slowly pushing their way into my world. And yet, when I finally have the courage to face these problems, I can’t come up with them, I can’t point them out or put my finger on exactly what’s happened. It’s almost like a game I play with myself.
When people ask me how I’m doing or for an update on my health, I’m lost at what to say. If they wanted the truth it would take hours, possibly days to try to get across all that’s been going on. Even if we took the time to do this, I doubt they would understand most of it anyway. So, in order to avoid both of these issues, I tell them I’m doing well. That seems to satisfy them, and gives me a chance to change the subject.
There are moments however when I’m laying on my bed at night, or have found myself alone at some point in the day, where I do begin looking and inspecting the different areas of my life, and I get overwhelmed. More often than not I end up in tears just trying and longing to understand. A problem I also am trying to get around is dealing with the regular day to day drama the normal teenage life throws at you. Whether I have anything to do with it, it’s still there, and it still seems to affect me. All the pressure facing a young girl has added to the confusion, and it all seems just a huge fat mess.
Just a note, I am not writing this because I have a solution; more because I don’t have a solution.
I still feel new to the whole blog thing, but I think I’m beginning to get an idea of how it can be used to benefit yourself and others if they are willing to listen.