I guess I've been stuck for awhile. All I'm doing is waiting, when I want to be doing SO much more. At first i was okay, I was strong, and had the wisdom to know that it's all okay. But lately I've burnt out, that's one way you could put it. Waiting is so hard. And, what I'd never realized before, it's exhausting. What really sucks though is when you're waiting for answers, and you know those answers might not be what you want to hear, what you've been hoping for. We all hope for the best, the better outcome, but it's not always what we get. I'm at a point however, where I'm pretty much hoping for bad news because it would be an answer. and it will end this awful state of waiting. I find myself unable to picture the future because I have no idea what is going on in there (my body). Dealing with the loss of control in my life is beyond difficult. We all feel safer, happier, and much more relaxed when we know and are able to decide what we will do today, or tomorrow, or the next year even. But it seems my life right now and everything in it is being chosen for me. When this first began, I fought it. I played sports, I did all I could to live the life I did before. Now, I've kind of accepted things. I'm learning to accept the fact that certain things I had before have been taken from me. I no longer struggle to keep them in my life. I do not see this as giving up however. Yes, there have been times when I have given up, those nights where all I want, with all my heart, is for it all to go away. I long for everything the way it was. But no, each time I have gotten back up, somehow, and am still fighting; but in a different way. I'm not fighting the inevitable, I'm fighting to still be me. To have control over my attitude, to make the best of what I am blessed with. I fight to try to give those I love peace to know that I'm not suffering, I'm fighting, just in a silenced way.