The dry stage.


That's the way I would put it.


The other day I went in for another EMG test. While waiting for the doctor to come in my mom, like always, asked me questions so that I would know the gist of what the doctor would say or what he's looking for. Somewhere in between the numerous questions I found myself blurting out, "It (the test) doesn't even matter. He's not going to find anything". It wasn't till then that I realized that I really have given up all hope of doctors. All the appointments and tests are endless and seemingly nothing comes out of it. No answers. Nope. Nothin. Of course each one you could say gets us closer to an answer, but for me I just need straight up you have it or you don't. And that is exactly what I don't get. Here in this stage, I'm not sure what to do. I'm one for action, and I can't stand long periods of time where not much is happening. So I pretend like there's nothing wrong with me. That way, I won't get upset with the doctors who keep telling me that there's nothing wrong. (Even though it's far, far from that.) 


The other thing I've noticed about this dry period is that people forget. Sometimes I feel like people around me think I was just being overly dramatic about having a disease because nothing dramatic or drastic is happening now. I will be honest, that is not even close to the truth of it all. I don't feel bad because I don't get sympathy or pity, no way! I just get confused on what I am supposed to do with this time. I want people to know that it's all still real for me, but when there's nothing visible going on, there's no way to do that. I also don't want to feel like I'm letting people down, which might sound weird when you're talking about a disease.  But I guess it's the pressure of having the disease, and having so many watching you, that you feel like you need to live up to what other people think of you.
I know it might not be what is right, but it is how things look from the standpoint that I am currently in.


Today I was approached by a woman in my church. She put together a small collection of things that meant so much to her as she was, and still is, struggling with her health. As one by one she explained the significance of each, and gave it to me, it really began to hit me how lonely I have felt recently. Knowing that someone had the heart and care to entrust to me many things of value to her all for my encouragement was so incredibly humbling, and so amazing. The self consciousness that had began to show itself in my life was stripped away and I was completely surrounded with love and affection.


Relationships, as I am beginning to understand, hold so much power in the lives of people. I'm learning to cherish mine and to grow each individually, as well as searching out ones to strengthen. For God did not give us this life to walk alone, but to share with others, continually building each other up to becoming the most you can be. And at the foundation of each friendship is love, and therefore Christ, creating each relationship to be as beautiful as He is.

Just a Note.


I want to treat this blog like a journal. I want to show all the aspects of the different feelings and things you go through when faced with something that is life changing.


This means that I will share my thoughts when I'm being selfish, when I feel hopeless, and maybe times of frustration as well. But also I want to share the times when I've felt so much hope, so much love, and so much joy.


I don't want one to read one of my blog posts and think I am making a mistake with what I am writing. After awhile I want it to paint an accurate picture of the up and down days and fall mainly back onto Christ, because he is what ultimately is holding me together.


Thank you-
Anna

I don’t know what it’s like to live pain free anymore. I don’t know what it’s like to be able to work without my body screaming at me with every move I make. After I persevere through the job I’m doing, my muscles shake for days from weakness and my joints continue to have shooting pain. I tried to do some gardening for my family yesterday, and with every shovel full of dirt I moved I wanted to cry out because of how much my hands killed. It felt like every bone in my fingers were breaking or already broken and the pieces of bone were going to pierce through my hand at any moment. I kept working however, through the tears and out of stubbornness and dedication. I got the job done thankfully, but now for the last day and a half, I’m paying for it. I don’t want to get out of bed. Or off the couch. Or get up to get some water. But I make myself, ofcourse. At dinner my stomach, reacting to all the work, felt so sick and rejected strongly anything that I put in my mouth. I ate it anyway, because I’ve learned that listening to it only leads to more problems. I’ve learned that listening to the warning signs my body puts out at all times can be ignored, but it all comes back to hit me as soon as I sit down for some rest. I want to be able to serve my family, to help work at my church, to be able to meet with friends and just have some fun together, but it seems so incredibly hard and every muscle in my body is so unwilling. The only thing I know how to do is to keep going, and I hope that it won’t kill me in the long run to keep pushing on.

“With man this is impossible, but not with God; all things are possible with God.” Mark 10:27. 

So, I haven’t written in awhile.

I think it’s because for a long time, I didn’t know what to write. I didn’t know what I was supposed to write. And I definitely wasn’t sure how to say it right.

The last few months for me have been kind of a blur. Nothing drastic has happened, and yet a million little things have seemed to occur, and they add up to a lot when I stop and think about it. I’ve had a problem with putting them altogether and clearing my mind. I haven’t been able to think, or understand my life recently. It may be partly my fault, for purposely avoiding the constantly pounding questions. I used the end of school and studying for finals as an excuse to ignore the other problems slowly pushing their way into my world. And yet, when I finally have the courage to face these problems, I can’t come up with them, I can’t point them out or put my finger on exactly what’s happened. It’s almost like a game I play with myself.

When people ask me how I’m doing or for an update on my health, I’m lost at what to say. If they wanted the truth it would take hours, possibly days to try to get across all that’s been going on. Even if we took the time to do this, I doubt they would understand most of it anyway. So, in order to avoid both of these issues, I tell them I’m doing well. That seems to satisfy them, and gives me a chance to change the subject.

There are moments however when I’m laying on my bed at night, or have found myself alone at some point in the day, where I do begin looking and inspecting the different areas of my life, and I get overwhelmed. More often than not I end up in tears just trying and longing to understand. A problem I also am trying to get around is dealing with the regular day to day drama the normal teenage life throws at you. Whether I have anything to do with it, it’s still there, and it still seems to affect me. All the pressure facing a young girl has added to the confusion, and it all seems just a huge fat mess.

Just a note, I am not writing this because I have a solution; more because I don’t have a solution.

I still feel new to the whole blog thing, but I think I’m beginning to get an idea of how it can be used to benefit yourself and others if they are willing to listen. 

 The world is a beautiful place. 

Even more beautiful are the people who live in it.

Love often, 

Enjoy your moments. -Joe Smith

I would like to share these songs, they're ones that I love and just thought would add something different. I don't want to describe myself with just words, because music is something that I love as well. Enjoy!


The Hurt and the Healer- MercyMe

I Turn to You - Selah

100 Years- Five for Fighting

So many people suffer, and in so many different ways. I think it’s a unique thing when one suffers as a teenage girl. I’m not saying it’s easier or harder, just that it creates different obstacles that you need to get through. I have not written for awhile because so many things have happened in the last few weeks. My life seems to have completely changed, in almost every way. A few weeks ago I was feeling so alone, so isolated from everyone around me, and it began to really affect me. I have to say no to anything my friends ask me to do. I used to wear myself out, trying to do every single thing that I used to be able to do. But I realized that when I say yes to activities, it’s no fun anyway because I have no energy to spend talking to people or having fun.  I end up having a worse time there than I would at home. These days I spend almost all of my time in my bed, except for when I’m at school. This is the only way I can have enough strength to get through each day and it breaks my heart each time I have to reject an offer to hang out, because I want to so badly.  All I want to do is be able to go have fun whether it’s with my family or my friends, doing what a normal 15 year old girl loves to do. But I can’t. However, things started to change, or I started to lose a tiny bit of that loneliness when I came home one day after school and realized my brother had entered a contest for me (to win a trip anywhere I wanted to go). Not only did he spend all of his time writing an essay and making an amazing video, but we also won the contest! I cannot express how much it means to someone when somebody shows you so much genuine love. A couple weeks later I was also surprised, and completely shocked, when my school threw a surprise birthday party for me, the whole school by the way. The love and care shown by my family and my friends, and even those I didn’t know, went SO far. They will never know how much they really did for me. The only thing that I wish is that I could do something for all of them that would be even half of what they have done for me. I do not feel like I deserve any of it, but I’m not dumb enough to reject a gift haha. If there was one thing that I have learned from all of this, it is that love is one of the most important things that you can offer someone. The only way I know how to rightly describe love is this; “This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us.” 1 John 3:16 and “God is love.” 1 John 4:16.